Unmasking Marriage

We live in a world OBSESSED with marriage. American weddings have ridiculous price tags, and seem to be a milestone where even the most demure of women go slightly insane. The church seems  to think that, the best end game is to push couples to marriage, even if they're not ready. Growing up in a conservative christian culture, the message was: "don't have sex, just get married... keep going, don't have sex... you're almost to the finish line" and that's how it was treated too. You go to conferences and bible studies, which all seem to focus on the Proverbs 31 woman. You train for this. You pray constantly.  You find your perfect person, you run this race, trying to figure out their favorite color and which historical figure they would have dinner with and you cross over the finish line, clad in a beautiful white gown, with your prince charming at your side, and every time you look into his eyes you know everything is right with the world.

Then, you get back from the Honeymoon, and you realize, YOU KNOW NOTHING. And everyone who cheered you two on? They've gone home, the race has been run, the fanfare concluded, the banners taken down, and what seemed like a group effort is now you and your love, standing in a deserted street, where people constantly ask how your marriage is going, but do little to invest in it. There are those who have promised their time, and never show up, and others who don't promise what they know they can't deliver on. And then there's the third,  and most painful type, the ones who want to invest, and are too far away or too busy to do anything about it.

Standing in that street, you realize marriage was never a race to be run, to be finished and over, it is a story, between you and your love, and that your marriage was never meant to be the endgame, it has always been the beginning of a new chapter. The days and chapters of living by yourself, are over. But the days of growing into a new creation, a new person, a person who loves God more, serves others more, and loves your spouse more, are just beginning. It's a new dawn, something God has orchestrated from the beginning of time, a part of your personal growth that is impossible without this person by your side.

For us, life hit hard, and fast. We left an island paradise of drinking strawberry piña coladas and sunbathing to jobs, bills, a death in the family, health issues and my love's car imploding, all within our first month of marriage. The rose colored glasses were taken off and shattered, there was no time to live in a dream world with my new husband. Our internal and external stresses seemed always ready to engulf us, and the feelings of helplessness were unbearable.

We soon realized that neither of us knew how to be married, and for all the book reading, conference attending, Sunday morning sermons and guy/ girl breakout talks over a lifetime, we still had no idea what we were doing.

Nobody ever wants to admit they're the couple that doesn't have it all together.

My Love and I both grew up in strong, Christian communities, where marriage is sacred; it's God's gift and best earthly picture we have for understanding's God's love for His Church. ....Nobody wants to be the one to screw up God's Gift. Seriously. That's why, when people get divorced, you usually hear something like, "I never knew" or "But they seemed so happy". No, people. they were not happy. Oftentimes, they have been miserable for a good, long time, but it is neither "appropriate" or welcome to discuss marital failures in the church.

But wait, that was exactly what we needed! We needed to know someone else didn't have it altogether. That others were struggling, or have struggled in the past. That we weren't bad Christians or bad spouses because we didn't know how to have it altogether. When we looked around to find a potential ally in our struggle, all we saw were  painted faces and masks, flawless perfection. So, we stood on the cusp of this new adventure, donned our own masks and pretended we were as flawless as everyone else. The question of "How's married life!?" (seriously, verbatim. every time. It's like they were reading from a script.) was always responded to with an emphatic- but equally scripted- "It's great! I married my best friend!" and then we would change the subject. What we wanted to ask, what we needed to ask, seemed too... inappropriate for such a happy time. We needed a light in the darkness, something to hold onto, some hope that we weren't the only people screwing up God's Gift.

For the few people that found us in that dark place, and loved us there, THANK YOU SO MUCH. Your love and time meant more to our marriage than you'll ever know.

With a little more than two years under our belt, we are not claiming to have it figured out, and in fact,we are now trying to open as many conversations as possible to let people know, our friends, our family, and our college students at church, that we don't have it all together.

My friends, it is time to start talking about marriage! Real, true, messy marriage, not the photoshopped Christmas cards we present ourselves to be. I hope this post, and the ones to follow, help to do just that. This post was not intended to fix hurting marriages, instead it was written in hopes of opening a much needed conversation to radically change marriage in the church. Just like My Love and myself, our marriage is a living, multifaceted entity, and over simplifying a solution (so that it fits tidily in one post) is just as damaging as the long path it has taken to get us here  It's time for us as Christians to admit God's Gift comes with some assembly required, and lift the ban on marriage and sex talks, so that our marriages can be as healthy as they appear to be.